‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

When I was a little girl

Mamma stayed up at night,

Watching the oven bake

Some Christmas magic inside.

When I was a little older-

Mamma stopped baking cakes,

Well, looking back I don’t blame her

I had a sister on the way.

I used to crawl out of bed at night;

The eve of Christmas day…

Would wait till the clock struck twelve,

With an enormous smile on my face.

I don’t think anyone noticed,

And that seemed to be the best part-

In the secrecy of that moment ,

I used to feel joy that filled my heart.

Then the next day morning,

We’d have breakfast as a family

Things you never get any other time of year:

My nanna’s special treats.

We’d sit around the Christmas tree-

As I played Santa’s little elf,

And handed out the wrapped presents….

With my little sister’s help.

Then we’d break into song

In so many different keys,

So maybe we weren’t angelic hosts,

But it meant the world to me.

Something always seemed to happen,

I can’t really tell you what,

Because even the most mundane things-

Seemed to be enchanted of a sort.

Schools would let out for winter break….

And I’d miss my friends a ton,

We’d talk of all we could do during the holidays:

All the ways we would have fun.

But then we all grew up a little more,

And priorities filled our plates,

There was no more song or cheer,

Only work that couldn’t wait.

It broke my heart a little

But I didn’t want to complain,

After having been so blessed,

I wasn’t going to be an ingrate.

The air was rent with the sound of song

But the words rung a little hollow,

Because they weren’t from the ones I loved-

The melodies rang shallow.

It feels like the Grinch stole Christmas-

But there was no change of heart,

Just a fantasy I needed to grow out of-

And learn that reality was hard.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,

And I had to sneak out of bed to see,

Somewhere in my unbelieving heart

Hope told me I’d find love under the Christmas tree.

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If Only You Knew

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder,

And my heart has loved until it bled,

Waiting as every painful minute passes,

Till I have you in my arms again.

But you found yourself in new environments,

And I must admit to harbouring crippling fear…

That one day you would choose where your loyalties lie,

I just remained oblivious as the day drew near.

You would think it’d take more than a few months

To replace love and trust nurtured over many years,

But once again you proved me wrong,

When you decided that your allegiance lay with her.

I whispered a secret into your otherwise faithful lips

That would bind my words with blood;

You say you exercised better judgement,

But I think I’ve heard enough.

You didn’t even think to talk it through,

Tell me why you wanted to unleash

Confidence in lain in confidence,

A bond of trust, you decided to breach.

I told you so you may watch yourself,

And reconstruct your creed,

But it turns out I needed to watch myself…

Because innocence breeds naivety.

So I had to clean up the mess you made

By severing that cord of faith,

I brought back my walls of defences

And spun the tale my way.

So now you think it differently,

You think it be my folly,

When all I can think of is five days from now,

We were supposed to deck my halls with holly.

I have given you a perfect lie,

So live in your perfect world,

Where the ones you left behind

Are now the ones you want to hurt

Maybe one day you’ll know what I did

Maybe one day I’ll trust you enough

To tell you the story of selflessness

That finally crippled my heart.

Maybe you’ll thank me then?

Or hate me for lying all the while…

But whatever it is you decide to choose

I hope you know I was always on your side.

I have to admit it is a funny twist…

To a story I thought wouldn’t in tragedy;

I drove a dagger through my heart,

In my endeavour to keep you happy.

Flash forward to maybe ten years later:

When all the chaos has washed ashore,

And right around Christmas time,

I’ll leave a present at your door.