Creatures of Habit

When you have something to do urgently,

Doesn’t the temptation to not somehow always supervene?

Are you like me, that when the deadline draws near,

You have to pick up a book or find a new song to hear?

 

The depths of your heart harbours the truth…

You know the sitcom can always wait for you.

You convince yourself that you’re ahead of the clock

But pretend to not notice the hours that pass by in tick tocks.

 

It always has to wait for something else,

Excuses are lies a procrastinator tells,

Maybe it’s because we know the lesser the time we spend,

The return on the investment will seem worth it in the end.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth,

And though it is something we’d never admit to,

We feel crippling guilt when we do finally see

That the potential we had now lies deceased.

 

There are times when we resolve to hold ourselves to true intentions,

To stop lying to ourselves and break addictions;

But no matter how badly we seem to want it,

We all know there is no changing a creature of habit.

 

 

 

 

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The Paper

When I look at you, I see everything I am not…

Everything I can never even hope to be,

So I chose to hide behind a cause

Because its my oxygen when I feel like I can’t breathe.

 

When they look at you,

They won’t look twice

Because they’ll never look away,

From that luminescent smile.

 

But they know, and I know

That you’re not just a pretty face,

Your personality captivates,

And lingers in our souls.

 

When they look at me,

They won’t look twice.

But they’ll know I’m there,

Because I’ve always been one of the guys.

 

I’ve always claimed I’ve been more than  okay,

Never needed a man to look my way…

I’ve always been about big words and long days,

Been sort of busy, we have a planet to save.

 

But sometimes it just takes a second

For insecurity to surface

As simple as someone who sees me,

But doesn’t take notice,

And then the battle feels hopeless

Because its a wallflower up against  a princess.

 

But  then she looks at me, and my world seems to refocus

As I look in the mirror my imperfection vanishes,

Because she makes me feel like I am worth a second look,

When I saw the paper, she saw a book.

 

The Walls of Jericho

I walked down the path that lay before me,

Knowing that there was no way else to go

I watched what was left of my fragile heart

Be broken and drained of hope.

I knew what I needed to do,

Stop crying and pick myself up

Because in the end no one cared

And my efforts just weren’t enough

So I bled myself dry of all hurt and anticipation,

Shakespeare had it right,

All heartache sprouts from expectation,

So what was the point of the strife?

If you shut yourself out from all emotion

You may come out unscathed,

But abstinence from human interaction

Is a life that was lived inane…

So one day, I picked up the broken pieces

And decided I would no longer feel this maimed,

As a person I might need social communication

But I wouldn’t let anyone see my pain.

Vulnerability is overrated,

I need to emotionally isolate,

Sure, I would talk to every living soul

And extroversion exaggerate.

I would spend every waking minute

Trying to be perfect in the spotlight,

I knew people would be waiting, watching keenly

For me to slip, and for them to spew their spite.

I wore my mask pretty well,

I must say in retrospect I’m impressed,

I didn’t give even the slightest hint

Of the agony I had repressed.

I would do what was required of me with a mercenary heart

Because all that I learned from selfless love

Was that I had no more capacity to be scarred.

Everything seemed to be going well enough,

As long as I followed script,

All the world’s a stage of course,

I found my part and was playing it.

When I took stock of how far I had come

And how scrupulous my defenses were

I found myself closed in by the highest walls

My armory in place to avert hurt.

Then one day I met someone,

I never expected to find,

I watched as the miracle unraveled,

I believe they call it Fate’s Design.

I didn’t see it coming,

If I had I’d have taken aim,

Shot him down before he gained access,

Or came anywhere near my towering gates.

I smirked at his naivety,

He seemed to be so in love with life,

He would soon be broken too,

It was all a matter of time.

I must admit I got curious

As to how he remained unfazed,

No one can claim a perfect past,

Yet his faith wouldn’t shake.

My curiosity got the better of me,

I hid behind my shielding gates

But I stole a look ever so gingerly,

At the world of wonder from which he came.

He caught me in my trespassing act,

I quickly sought to hide again,

But when I looked back to see if he left,

He was holding out his hand.

I dared for the first time in forever,

To take a step outside my protective grounds,

He pulled me out and I watched in awe

As my walls came tumbling down.

He showed me what living really meant,

Asked me to trust and love again,

He said he would hold my hand if I fell

And that I could always count on him.

Slowly, insecurity melted

Like morning dewdrops on a rose,

And I dared to dream and feel the things,

I had interred very long ago.

I no longer had an arsenal,

I trusted him so very much,

I depended on the solace he gave

And the bounty of unconditional love.

So this is another once upon a time,

Of a girl who was afraid,

To come out of hiding from inside her shell,

A little apprehensive to watch her heart break.

God sent her broken spirit a miracle,

To magically restore her hope

Joshua, was the one He chose,

To bring down the walls of Jericho.

 

 

 

The Woman Without a Name

I met a stranger on the road
I think she heard me come her way,
She let me see what her soul showed
The secrets her eyes gave away.

She held my hand and a feeble voice
Broke through her tremorous lips,
She asked me to spare her something to eat,
If my pockets had something to give.

I looked inside my grocery bag
Filled with things I suddenly didn’t need,
My extravagance was my crowning shame
When she sought respite in me.

She sounded like she held sorrow reigned in
Held tightly on a leash,
A shadow haunted the surface
But Hunger took the lead.

She then asked me for some money
That would buy herself some tea,
And I told her the truth in painful honesty
That my wallet was absolutely empty.

She then confessed she couldn’t see
And secretly I was glad,
That she was shielded from the cruelty
Of seeing all the things I had.

I felt like a sinner in a Catholic Church
As I searched for words to explain,
That I would have bought her anything
Had I not spent it the other day.

She smiled at me, grateful
And thanked me for my generosity,
But the words she uttered next
Shattered the altruist in me.

Her words gnawed at my façade
As she took me off the higher ground,
“If I take this,” she innocently asked,
“What will you have to keep your hunger bound?”

I insisted that she take it
That I would be more than fine,
She thanked me again and then left me
With an unforgettable smile.

It went against the laws of my world
Where a person on the streets,
Would go the extra distance
To show some care for me.

Poverty has a choke hold
And it leaves without a trace,
My perspectives changed when the roles reversed
Because of a woman without a name.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

When I was a little girl

Mamma stayed up at night,

Watching the oven bake

Some Christmas magic inside.

When I was a little older-

Mamma stopped baking cakes,

Well, looking back I don’t blame her

I had a sister on the way.

I used to crawl out of bed at night;

The eve of Christmas day…

Would wait till the clock struck twelve,

With an enormous smile on my face.

I don’t think anyone noticed,

And that seemed to be the best part-

In the secrecy of that moment ,

I used to feel joy that filled my heart.

Then the next day morning,

We’d have breakfast as a family

Things you never get any other time of year:

My nanna’s special treats.

We’d sit around the Christmas tree-

As I played Santa’s little elf,

And handed out the wrapped presents….

With my little sister’s help.

Then we’d break into song

In so many different keys,

So maybe we weren’t angelic hosts,

But it meant the world to me.

Something always seemed to happen,

I can’t really tell you what,

Because even the most mundane things-

Seemed to be enchanted of a sort.

Schools would let out for winter break….

And I’d miss my friends a ton,

We’d talk of all we could do during the holidays:

All the ways we would have fun.

But then we all grew up a little more,

And priorities filled our plates,

There was no more song or cheer,

Only work that couldn’t wait.

It broke my heart a little

But I didn’t want to complain,

After having been so blessed,

I wasn’t going to be an ingrate.

The air was rent with the sound of song

But the words rung a little hollow,

Because they weren’t from the ones I loved-

The melodies rang shallow.

It feels like the Grinch stole Christmas-

But there was no change of heart,

Just a fantasy I needed to grow out of-

And learn that reality was hard.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,

And I had to sneak out of bed to see,

Somewhere in my unbelieving heart

Hope told me I’d find love under the Christmas tree.

If Only You Knew

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder,

And my heart has loved until it bled,

Waiting as every painful minute passes,

Till I have you in my arms again.

But you found yourself in new environments,

And I must admit to harbouring crippling fear…

That one day you would choose where your loyalties lie,

I just remained oblivious as the day drew near.

You would think it’d take more than a few months

To replace love and trust nurtured over many years,

But once again you proved me wrong,

When you decided that your allegiance lay with her.

I whispered a secret into your otherwise faithful lips

That would bind my words with blood;

You say you exercised better judgement,

But I think I’ve heard enough.

You didn’t even think to talk it through,

Tell me why you wanted to unleash

Confidence in lain in confidence,

A bond of trust, you decided to breach.

I told you so you may watch yourself,

And reconstruct your creed,

But it turns out I needed to watch myself…

Because innocence breeds naivety.

So I had to clean up the mess you made

By severing that cord of faith,

I brought back my walls of defences

And spun the tale my way.

So now you think it differently,

You think it be my folly,

When all I can think of is five days from now,

We were supposed to deck my halls with holly.

I have given you a perfect lie,

So live in your perfect world,

Where the ones you left behind

Are now the ones you want to hurt

Maybe one day you’ll know what I did

Maybe one day I’ll trust you enough

To tell you the story of selflessness

That finally crippled my heart.

Maybe you’ll thank me then?

Or hate me for lying all the while…

But whatever it is you decide to choose

I hope you know I was always on your side.

I have to admit it is a funny twist…

To a story I thought wouldn’t in tragedy;

I drove a dagger through my heart,

In my endeavour to keep you happy.

Flash forward to maybe ten years later:

When all the chaos has washed ashore,

And right around Christmas time,

I’ll leave a present at your door.

The Swan Catalyst

I’ve   grown to become excellent,
At identifying my flaws;
Immeasurably inadequate-
Are the words you are looking for.

Some give  me their sympathy,
While some just shake  their heads,
But I  don’t  need your pity…
I’m  not fishing for compliments.

If you are really true to yourself,
You know you’ve  felt the same
So how can I  be grappling  for attention?
With something so commonplace.

Now I  have you looking at your blemishes,
You drown yourself  in doubt,
It’s  funny how introspection tarnishes,
The way you’re  being thought about.

It’s  now time to turn the tables
You feel nothing makes the cut,
You want perfection as heard in fables
A fairy tale with reality’s touch.

There begins your journey….
An endeavour without  an end,
Your belief in insufficiency…
Has kept perfection around the bend.

The grass is greener on the other side,
Or so I have  been told;
Envy of another will none but misguide,
The traveller’s initial goal.

Remembering that you were seeking,
Let us tread on that path again,
In search of the legendary something
That fulfils the hearts of men.

The secret is in the knowing,
That you cant be immaculate
But it doesn’t  hurt to keep striving,
There’s  always room for improvement.

I bet they didn’t  tell you
You won’t  find what you’re looking for;
If you search superficially ,
You’ll miss the treasure at the core.

We will soon make happen the transformation
From duckling to the swan,
The trick is in learning to be
The catalyst to the change you want.

The Lemniscate

I wonder when I lie in my coffin

And leave temporal things behind…

Will you be the one near the casket,

Searching for words you cannot find?

Or will there be a distance,

A time created rift?

A chasm created by divergent life

That death would have to bridge.

Would you stand at the pulpit

And deliver a heartfelt goodbye?

Looking back through the pages,

Will you remember the once upon a time?

Or will you be the one listening?

To someone who took your place,

Speaking the eulogy,

You once thought you would say.

Will you wonder if it were real?

Everything we wrote in the stars…

Will it fade as a child’s day dream?

Or will it be embossed in your heart?

Whichever place you choose to stand,

The day I celebrate my journey’s end.

If I were there I would take your hand,

And show you our remember whens…

No matter what happened along the way

Know that you aren’t forgotten,

My earthly realm may have ceased to stay

But Celestial memories are fossils.

You and I met at an intersection

And had to someday deviate,

From a path we walked in unison,

It was time that we walked away.

Maybe someday we will meet again?

Life has an interesting path to take,

You and I may meet at cross roads…

The intersection of Destiny’s Lemniscate.